間中還會不自覺地哼出十歲時自己亂作的歌 — 竟然還記得完整的旋律和歌詞。 啊,都好笨拙,都好幼稚,但不無聊。
少年時花去無盡時間與心力去寫劇本,從中學寫到大學,都是那些沒有很多觀眾的舞台演出。二十幾年過去,我偶然還會惦記某個角色,某句對白。我還清楚記得在全黑的舞台上,等待燈亮的屏息靜氣。
年輕時去看《八部半》,模模糊糊,此後每隔幾年重看一遍,直至去年再看,赫然發現自己已接近馬斯楚安尼所演主角Guido的年紀,也就是費里尼拍攝這部經典的年齡。
《八部半》的結尾,是主角半生中所遇過的人一一從樓梯步下來,在音樂中笑談、喧鬧、揮別、起舞。也許一切都不可以重來,但還是可以在夢幻中重逢。「夢是唯一的真實」,費里尼如此說過。
我不相信「世間所有相遇都是久別重逢」這話 — 但我相信,世間所有久別重逢,都是青春的。
還認得出某段日子的自己,還願意去跟自己對話,無論如何,就是青春 — 在回憶中,或在現實中。
於我而言,青春,有張開的感官,有熱切的好奇心,有嘗試走新路的興緻。
這些,我都還沒有失去。
從前年少,人家告知自己犯錯,心裡總是不甘,總是不願意承認。但是暗地裡又會開始懷疑,有沒有方法做更好的自己。
如今,每天都自省,每天都自覺自己做得不足,心裡也總是不甘。不因為別人的不滿,而是自己的要求。是遺憾,但隱隱瞥見方向。
所有為問題尋找答案的過程,其實都是青春的。
所謂錯誤,其實也不一定不好。錯誤,其實也是一些偶然,累積起來,構成今天的我。
辛波絲卡的一首詩《在眾生中》中就寫過:
「我就是我。
一個令人不解的偶然,
一如每個偶然。」
如果不是那些偶然出現的錯誤、那些歌、那些舞台劇、那些電影、那些人 ——
「我可能是我 — 但一無驚奇可言,
也就是說,
一個截然不同的人。」
我跟過去的自己久別重逢,跟久違的人或地方相遇,記起那種種的偶然,無論今天看來是對是錯或非對非錯,我都可以對那些擦身而過卻從未發生過的故事,揮手微笑。
在不青春的軀體堅持青春,更認真地雕刻每寸時光,期待下一次的久別重逢。
Mistakes of My Youth - Eels
In the waning days ahead,
I gotta look back down the road.
I know that it's not too late.
All the stupid things I've said,
and people I've hurt in my time.
I hope it's not my fate,
to keep defeating my own self,
and keep repeating yesterday.
I can't keep defeating myself,
I can't keep repeating, the mistakes of my youth.
In the dark of night, I might
be able to make myself think
that I'm still a younger man.
But when the light of day shines down,
there's no way to get around it,
I'm not the younger man.
I keep defeating my own self,
and keep repeating yesterday.
I can't keep defeating myself,
I can't keep repeating, the mistakes of my youth.
The choice is mine for making
a better road ahead
the road that I've been taking,
headed for a dead-end,
but it's not too late to turn around
In the final moments
I hope that I know that I tried
to do best I could
To stop defeating my own self
and stop repeating yesterday.
I can't keep defeating myself,
I can't keep repeating, the mistakes of my youth.
(圖: 2013年7月攝於挪威奧斯陸車站)
2013:畫時針的人
2012: 沙滾滾願彼此珍重過 2011: 究竟天有幾高
2010: 那些灑遍萬物的時光微塵
2009: Still Walking
2008: 夜而日而夜無限多
2007: 隨風而行
2006: 給時間 給青春